Photographing your Children Inspiration [Day 58]

Firstly I would like to warn you that I am going to get slightly sidetracked from just this challenge today.  But the subject of today's photos is the reason for my thoughts.

I ummmed and ahhhed for a long time about whether to share this story.  It's not bad, and I by no means think that my life is tough - especially compared to some.  But what I would like to share is raw, honest and perhaps does not paint my mothering skills in the best light.

So, I apologise in advance for how long winded this may be, and how unrelated it is to the Inspiration challenge.

Master 5:  Zach
Our fourth son was born in May 2006 and from the moment he was born he was unsettled.
He was gorgeous. Yes.
But unsettled.

He would only sleep if he was lying on me.  If he was on his own he wouldn't sleep for long.  At. all.  As the months went by he was still difficult to settle and seemed discontent.  I recall friends visiting and bouncing and rocking and trying so so hard for me to calm this child.  To get him to sleep.  Mostly in vain.

When he was just 7 1/2 months ago we discovered I was pregnant.  Again.
I was devastated.  We were devastated.
Five children was the LAST thing I wanted, and if I'm being perfectly honest, the thought of 5 boys almost was the end of me.
Somehow, just somehow, we had a little girl.
She was calm.
Content.
Happy.

Which then made Zach seem even worse.
This still makes me feel awful for having such thoughts...but I couldn't stand him.  I didn't like him in the room with me, I didn't like to cuddle him, everything about him annoyed me.
Then I'd feel guilty.
This was my own child I felt this way about.
And I had no idea why.

When friends had gatherings, their children of the same age were so good.  So quiet.  So normal.
I was embarrassed to take Zach anywhere.

At the age of 3 we took him to a paediatrician who tested him for ADHD and Aspergers.  She said that although he had traits of both he didn't have enough of one or the other to diagnose him.
She said I'd be pleased that she wasn't going to label him.
I wasn't.
I was devastated.
I wanted, no I needed, a label.
I needed reassurance that he wasn't just a naughty kid.
I needed reassurance that I wasn't a bad parent.

I have since found out that she isn't the best paediatrician to consult for those conditions.

So I continued to dislike him.
And be exhausted by him.
And to feel guilty.

Then one day it hit me like a tonne of bricks.
One of the older boys asked me (goodness knows why), 'If you had to give up one of us kids, which one would it be?'.
One of the other boys replied, 'Oh that's easy, that would be Zach'.
I felt sick.
I still feel sick about it.

That's how obvious my feelings for my own child were.
That is the day I knew I needed to change.
I had to change how I dealt with him.
How I managed him.
How I loved him.

I realised that he was just a boy.  Who probably needed his mum's cuddles.  Who needed his mum to explain things to him.  Talk to him.  Get down on his level with him.  Who needed me to love him.

What a difference it made.  He became more 'manageable'.  I became more patient.  And I knew that he had Aspergers.  It felt good that I could then learn how to help him.   Understand his need for routines, for explaining change, for his obsessions, to try and talk things through with him, to not push him to talk to others, to try and teach his brothers to give him some space sometimes.

He has still not been officially diagnosed, however he is very soon about to be tested.  I feel I already know the results, but I am interested where he will fall on the spectrum.  Apparently at school he is really good - but of course the structured routines of the school day are exactly what he requires to cope.  However, when they tried to change his class in week 2 of school (without realising he has Aspergers), they saw firsthand just how he doesn't deal with change.

And yes, I know we shouldn't have to 'explain' why our child acts a certain way - but I need to.
He's not a naughty kid.
I'm not a bad parent.
He just views the world differently to us.

He will always be more of a challenge & require more work than the other kids, but...
He's gorgeous.
He's entertaining.
And I love him to bits :-)


So back to today's challenge: Zach's favourite toy without a doubt is lego.  He lives, breathes (and I'm sure even dreams) about lego.  I know it's normal for a boy to be obsessed with lego, his older brother does too.  But Zach does just take the obsession to the next level - which is a trait associated with Aspergers.

Day 58: Capture a moment where your child is playing with, or being comforted by their favourite toy.