Dear Mums...

Well today’s post is going to be just words.  No photos.  Just words.

What’s more, today’s post will have nothing to do with photography.  Nothing. 

A photographer’s blog with no photos and no reference to photography.   What next?!

To retain some of my authenticity...is is VERY long ;-)

Today I want to share some of what’s involved in my other ‘job’. 

My main ‘job’. 

This self taught ‘job’.

Being a mum.

Our precious children. 

Those special beings who have a piece of our heart.

So much to love. 

So much to be thankful for. 

So much to be grateful for. 

From the moment you hold your child for the first time, you are in awe.  You feel love.  You know you would do anything for this child.  But after hours, days, weeks or months reality hits you like a tonne of bricks.

It’s been said before, and I’ll say it again….being a mum is the most rewarding job in the world.

But it is also the most mentally exhausting, physically exhausting, challenging, draining, busy, stressful, emotional, uncontrollable, frustrating, overwhelming, mundane, monotonous job in the world.

Somehow we are meant to find the never-ending chores ‘fun’.  To enjoy our time at home.

Because it’s easy, right?

But it’s hard.  It’s hard to even explain how busy our days are.  Mums struggle to answer the ‘What did you do today?’ question.

We washed | picked up toys | cleaned | made lunches | bought new socks | changed nappies | made beds | cuddled | comforted | did the groceries | cooked | picked up toys | read a book to them | played a game with them | talked to a friend | dreamt | paid bills | checked that they have everything they need for school | picked up toys...the list goes on.

Yet people will still ask, ‘But what did you do?’.

When a dad is asked what they did for the day, they need only say:

“I went to work”.

That’s it.

That encompasses everything.

People smile, nod, agree.

When we are looking after our own children, we are being a mum.

We dad looks after their own children, they are 'babysitting'.  "Oh my wife had to go to town this morning so I'm babysitting the kids"!!

Mums go on and on and on and on about our ‘job’ being 24/7. 

I know I have.

But what I really think we’re getting at is there’s no break.  No change.  No getting away from it.  I think even mums that work or go away or have time out really don’t ever switch off.  Ever.  We must plan, organise, consider, time manage, schedule, arrange, pick up, drop off etc etc.

We put so much pressure on ourselves as mums to…

    be perfect

    be well balanced  

    be good mums

    be kind

    be considerate

    be understanding

    be empathetic

get. it. right.

My plan before motherhood was paved with good intentions of the type of mum I wanted to be.

    *  I would use cloth nappies - lasted 2 weeks with child number 1

    *  I would read them a story every night - intermittent story reading nights

    *  I would ask them every afternoon on their way home from school how their day was, was everything ok, was anyone/anything bothering them - most 

        days I ask them to ‘just be quiet’

    *  I would make time each day to spend with each individual child - time…what’s that?

    *  I wouldn’t do what all those other mothers were doing - ahhhhh, yeah I do

    *  I would be patient - sometimes, just sometimes, my patience is evident

    *  My child wouldn’t throw tantrums in the middle of the supermarket - yeah right, that’s just wishful thinking

    *  I won’t complain about how hard it is to raise a child because I really, really wanted children - it’s not complaining…it’s sharing, verbalising,

        understanding & acknowledging.  I’ve justified my way out of that one, right?

    And so the list goes on!

I think you’d be lying if you didn’t say that you have regrets.  Guilt. 

I want to be a good mother.  I always have good intentions.  But the reality is life gets in the way.  The monotony.  No sign of the light at the end of the tunnel. 

But as they get older you look back and realise that you should have made more effort with this, or more effort with that.  And then you rue that it’s too late.  You can’t relive the past.  You don’t get a chance to raise them a second time and get it all right.

But would you?

Or would other things change how you did it in round two?

Climb aboard the guilt train...

• We feel guilty if we have been able to have children, when there are so many who can’t, and we gripe/whinge/complain about how hard and tiring it is.
• We feel guilty if we get angry with our children (the more so because they are so forgiving).
• We feel guilty for not being patient. 
• We feel guilty because we lost our cool and yelled.
• We feel guilty because we said we were too busy to watch them, listen to them, play with them.
• We feel guilty when we were running late to pick them up.
• We feel guilty if we forget or lose something they want/need.
• We feel guilty if we get distracted.
• We feel guilty when we bribe them…because sometimes it’s just easier.
• We feel guilty when we were too soft on them.
• We feel guilty when we were too harsh with them.
• We feel guilty when we look at their sweet faces when they are sleeping at night and for all the frustration that we had with them during the day.
• We feel guilty for wanting peace and quiet…because deep down we know one day we’ll be wanting noise.
• We feel guilty when we have moments where we want to be completely selfish.  We want me time.  We need me time. 
• We feel guilty for wishing them older, to reach the next milestone. 

How familiar does this sound?

You want them to be a baby, but you can’t wait for them to grow up.

You want them to be independent, but when they are you want them to be babies again.

You want them out of the terrible twos, but when they are teenagers you realised two year old tantrums were the easy part.

You want them to be mature, young adults, but when they are you realise you miss having a teenager in the house. 

Maybe. 

I don’t know just yet. 

But scarily, in just a few short years I’ll be able to confirm or deny that feeling!

We have the what if’s and the if only’s..

I spent more time with the kids?

I had one more child?

I had one less child?

I appreciated the screaming & fighting?

I wasn’t so tired.

I listened when they said they were sick.

I’d taken notice sooner.

I’d understood their pain.

I made the right decision/call/punishment.

I had more time.

I had more energy.

I had more money.

So we feel guilt.  We have regrets.  And then we compare ourselves!!  What about when you look at that other mum who just has it all together.

Or so it seems.

She bakes.  She is calm.  She listens to her child.  She has an immaculate, organized, pristine, structured, perfect house.  She has perfect children.

Or does she?

Perhaps she looks at you and wishes that she didn’t stress so much.  About rigid routines.  About mess.  Noise.  Dirt on her child’s clothes, hands, face.  About the dust that no-one can see.

What if you’re somewhere in between all that?

We are who we are. 

There will be times when we think/feel/imagine that another mum has it easier. 

There will be times when we are reminded that other mums have it so much harder than we do. 

And despite all our self-evaluation and self-analysis, every mum has a quality to be admired.  We just need to identify it within ourselves and stop.comparing.ourselves.

Maybe we decide to challenge ourselves with a job, a hobby, an interest or follow a dream.

Then come the frowns.  The disapproval.  The misunderstanding.

From the older generations. From society. From other mums.

Yep…from other mums.  Another thing we’re all guilty of – judging. 

                               Well WE wouldn’t do that. 

                               What ARE they thinking? 

                               WHY would they do it that way?

How nice it would be if we could remind ourselves of the ‘does it matter’s’ because instead we sat down with our child, cuddled them, read them a book, listened to how their day was.  I can honestly say that I’m a work in progress in regards to this (in fact, in regard to everything I've written!).

      Does it matter…

           *  If the dishes don’t get done until tomorrow?

           *  If we have a dirty handprint on our dress?

           *  If we didn’t brush our hair?

           *  The house has toys on the floor?

           *  Another mum does something different to how we would?

           *  If we eat spaghetti on toast tonight?

           *  And tomorrow night?

           *  If we don’t finish that not-so-important job we were doing?

           *  If they stay up late occasionally?

           *  If they eat that ice-cream? Those chips?  That lolly?

           *  If the washing isn’t folded?

I am positive that 99% of mums (parents even) honestly do the best that they can at the time.  

And we just hope and pray that our children turn out okay. 

That we did something right.  

That we’ve instilled great morals, respect & understanding in them.

They are sweet, gorgeous, incredible, gifts...our precious children. 

Those special beings who have a piece of our heart.

So much to love. 

So much to be thankful for. 

So much to be grateful for. 

And when they tell us they love us – how much do we melt?

I wouldn’t trade this job for anything in the world J

Disclaimer:  I’m sure some/a lot of this applies to some dads too – the single dads, the stay at home dads etc.  I wonder how much of the guilt and pressure that we women seem to place on ourselves men also have?